New words written: 6,171
Present total word count: 41,236
But as I wrote on I realized this wasn't the case. It also helped that I've been listening to
Original video here
on repeat for several hours in a row. It created absolutely the perfect atmosphere, and it helped me over this little blip in the road. Also, I don't know, I feel like I should just write it however it comes out and let it be whatever it'll be. Is it scary? Is it sweet? Is it [insert whatever here] ? I don't know. All of that kind of depends on the reader, doesn't it?
Either way I'm really happy with it. We got a lot accomplished tonight and I'm incredibly proud!
Now, that's not to say antidepressants are bad and you shouldn't take them if you need them. On the contrary, I absolutely support it. If you feel as overwhelmed and anxious as I did when I first started taking them then you should definitely go talk to your doctor about it.
To give some context: I was working a different job at the time. Lower paying, higher demand, you know the drill. The kind where they work you to death but won't pay you more than $8. I was nearing my twenty-sixth birthday, meaning that I would be taken off my mom's insurance and have to find my own. Which, for someone literally living paycheck-to-paycheck at the time because my husband and I were living in a $730/mo apartment on what at the time was his $9/hr paycheck and my $8/hr paycheck, that was terrifying. We couldn't afford any extra expenses. None. Half the time we couldn't even afford groceries so my mom had to help us.
Well, at this job there was a woman. I won't name her because, I mean, its not worth it. She was what the company called a "client," which basically means she couldn't be fired no matter what.
And boy, did she flaunt it.
Sundays were the worst days. We had to get an obscene amount of product out in literally half the time, and while the rest of us were busting our asses and getting screamed at to go faster by our management (and no, I'm not exaggerating. We had a team lead that would LIT-ER-AL-LY scream at us), this woman was taking her sweet time. What did she care, right? It wasn't like they could fire her (and I shit you not, she was literally saying those exact words right in front of our faces). But the rest of us weren't so lucky. We'd get in trouble. BIG trouble. So despite her, we tried to do better.
I was working with one of my friends that day. I had a lot of friends there, actually, but this girl was nothing but nice to me. Actually, I had trained her when she first started and I remember her telling me I was the first one that was nice to her and would actually talk to her. Well, I was wearing a tattoo choker that day and I guess it must've gotten twisted. She saw it and came over to fix it. Nothing out of the ordinary. If she had something messed up on her I'd either tell her or I'd go fix it myself. But that day, I was so charged and angry and just--- I don't know. Even now, I don't know what alchemical bullshit in my head led me to this reaction, but it did.
This girl fixed my choker and I didn't realize that's what she was doing, because I had my headphones in and didn't hear her tell me about it. When she did, there was something about how the choker hit my neck when she got it untwisted or how it felt when she touched me but-- I just snapped.
Literally. It felt like something inside my skull just broke. It was an intense, physical sensation that left me dizzy and just totally fucked up. I ran to the bathroom and broke down crying. Another friend of mine came to see me, and we talked, but in the end I had to survive the rest of the day progressing the same way it had been. Luckily, at the time I had Mondays and Tuesdays off so I could try to relax afterward.
Unfortunately, whatever had happened inside of me that Sunday lingered. For at least a whole week after, maybe longer, I couldn't eat. Whatever I put in my stomach hit like a brick and made me nauseous. After I ate a bowl of cereal--cereal-- my husband told me it was time to go to the doctor. So he sat with me while I made an appointment. When I went, the doctor asked what was wrong and after we established that I wasn't pregnant, I told her about what happened and just absolutely broke down into tears. The only time I ever cried in front of a doctor is when I got shots and that's because needles creep me out. That's when she suggested I try anti-depressants. Well, technically they were anti-anxiety, but she said it would also help with depression. Which it did.
As much as they messed me up in 2018 creatively, I'm so glad I took them for the time that I did. After a year of being on them not only did I not stress out about that job nearly as much, but I had the confidence to go out and interview for my current job, which pays more and offers benefits and has a union and everything! I just think the problem was that I had taken them for a little too long and that my dosage either had to be adjusted or I needed to stop. I stopped, and though I still get generalized anxiety, like, all the time, I'm able to think through it better. According to Danny, I do so much better handling it than I ever did before.
But anyway, I kind of went on a tangent!
My point is, I feel like 2019 is going to be a great year for me writing-wise. While we recover from our move financially (and, frankly, emotionally, because it was a huge change and the whole process was total bullshit) I'm going to be writing my heart out to finish several novels (and this includes editing. I want to get a bunch publishing-ready before we do this) , and once we're ready he and I are going to sit down and devise a publishing plan. Ever since before we got married or moved in together, Danny has done his best to research this kind of stuff and become a sort-of literary agent for me.
Also, I've been sliding more easily back into the mindset I had when I was a kid and publishing wasn't even on my mind. Which is, basically, just having fun with my work. Will it all be grammatically correct? No. Most likely not. I'll try to get close! But in the end it's going to be engaging. It's going to be passionate. You'll know I attacked every word and every page with my whole heart.
And, to me, that's what matters most.